恋愛・結婚・お金・・・30代独身男性のひとりごと、と料理。

33歳・独身男性。女の影なし。料理は好き。下手だけど。
当たり前の日常、世界とのチューニング。
「大人」になりそびれた男の、
「大人」への挑戦。ハッピーエンドを目指して。


僕はこの世界に必要とされていないし、必要ともしていない。


フジテレビ、火曜22時放送、「あしたの、喜多善男」での、第1話で、主人公喜多善男が自分が死を選んだ理由をこう説明した。

誰かに必要とされていると感じるのは、どういうときだろうか。

用事を頼みたいから、自分の問題を解決したいから、自分がやるのが面倒くさいから。ただ漠然と、その人を失いたくない、と感じてもらえる人は、自分の人生に何人いるだろうか。

そういうことを、常々確認して、私達は生きているわけではない。心の中では、そういう風に思っていても、表現されることは少ない。人は、自分の思いを表現することはほとんどないのかもしれない。

それは、言い換えれば、その人を失う、などという事を、普段考えても居ないから、ともいえるのではないだろうか。その人が居ることは、いつの間にか当たり前になってしまう。

私の場合は、家族だった。世間で批判にさらされようが、私の家族だけは私を必要としてくれているに違いない。漠然とそう思っていた。しかし、それに対する疑いが差す瞬間もまた、あるのだ。

もちろん、必要だ、大切だ、とは言ってくれるだろう。しかし、そうじゃない。そんなことを求めているのではないんだ。そんな思いを持つときも、不思議とある。


喜多善男は、鷲巣みずほとの半年間の結婚生活を、何よりも大切な思い出として心の中に持っている。人がうらやむような美人である鷲巣みずほとの関係を、ただそれだけを自らの支えに生きてきた喜多善男が、離婚を一方的に突きつけられてから、何かが音を立てて崩れていく。

最も、生きていく喜びを感じていた、自分の真実。それが、壊れてしまった。



死を決意した喜多善男は、ひょんなことから、矢代平太という若者に出会う。矢代は、キャバクラのキャッチで、11日後に人生を閉じるという喜多善男に興味を持つ。その矢代に死ぬ理由を問われ、こう答えたのだ。

職場でも必要とされる存在でもないし、全てをささげるつもりで居た女性にも、別れを告げられてしまった。善意で応じた連帯保証人契約で債務を請負い、借金取りに追われる日々。人生の意味を、喜多善男はすっかり失ってしまった。唯一自分に興味を持ち、協力してくれた友人、三波貴夫は、11年前に飛行機事故で死んでしまった。

そして彼は「自由」を求める。彼にとっての自由、それは、「死」。
三波の居る天国に、旅立つことを決意したのだ。

こんなはずじゃなかった。そんな思いも、もうすでに沸かなくなっているのかもしれない。話したところで、「あなたが悪い」、そういわれておしまいだ、という思いがあるのかもしれない。まともに話を聞いてもらえないと、感じるのかもしれない。

自分の正直な気持ちを、受け入れてもらえない時、人は不自由を感じるのではないか。
思ったことを思ったままに表現し、それを受け入れてもらう自由すら、この世の中にはないのかもしれない。家族、伴侶、仕事、給与、人生。全てが情報化し、付加価値を持たなければ、自分にとって意味や魅力を持たなければ、その情報=人間は、興味をもたれなくなっていく。

ああ、自分が必要とされていたのは、こういうことだったんだ。そんな人生なら、僕には必要ない。そしていまや、この世界も僕を必要とはしていない。それなら、嫌なことは全て忘れて、楽しかったときのことだけ思いながら、人生の幕を閉じることにしよう。


そんな喜多善男の気持ちが、不思議と、痛いほどわかる。



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恋愛・結婚・お金・・・30代独身男性のひとりごと、と料理。